The hobbits in London
by Ajuxliapose
Summary: With the orcs fast approaching and the fellowship cornered. Gandalf casts a spell to send them all anywhere. Where the others go is a mystery to even me, but the hobbits are sent to modern day London and try to live life as we know it. plz r+r
1. Hobbits in London

Lord of the rings parody- the fellowship in London.  
  
Prologue Not long after the Fellowship had left Rivendell, they discovered that Sauron's army was more advanced than they'd hoped. The Orcs were quickly catching up with them and gave chase. The Fellowship managed to hide and Gandalf revealed a spell that could take them any place, any time, the group decided that this would save their lives and went ahead with it. Only the hobbits were sent off to modern day London, but the others, we're not quite sure yet.  
  
"WE'RE IN THE COOLEST PLACE IN THE WORLD!!!!" roared Frodo, at the top of his voice. Pippin quickly reached into his bag and brought out his cloak. He looked at it, sighed and then rolled it up and savagely pushed it into Frodo's mouth. The little hobbit made similar words, but more muffled. Onlookers gave Pippin looks of disgust. He lost his temper after another little old lady tutted at him. "He's mental! Leave me alone! Its for your own safety!" he yelled. The old lady gave him a wary look and carried on with her business. Frodo spat the cloak out of his mouth. Pippin looked in horror at his cloak. So did Merry. Sam vainly tried to stick his fist in Frodo's mouth to stop him from shouting. But the little hobbit as he had done many times so far on this arduous journey, proved he was made of tougher stuff, and he bit Sam's hand and wriggled free. The other hobbits chased after him and they were met with remarks of "If someone would just shoot all these lunatic cults!" one old biddy raged. The hobbits were making their way to Trafalgar Square. They didn't know it yet, but it looked like a good place to rest, until. "Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh!" It was Merry who was screaming, a flock of pigeons made their way to the ground where they started pecking at crumbs on the ground. "What?" asked Pippin with some concern. "I HATE BIRDS!!!" Merry yelled tearfully. After that comment, some pigeons took a fancy to him and started to flap around his head. Merry ran around the fountain crying, "Get off," "I think we should move on," said Frodo. And with that, the hobbits went on their way.  
  
Frodo could feel his head spinning deliriously like he was drunk. It was strange he thought later. It must have been the noise and the sights and odd smells that brought him to life. The others could feel it too, but they weren't so affected. Frodo thought if he could dump the ring here, all would be solved.  
  
"Hey mon, what's your problem?" said a huge Jamaican man whom, the scurrying little hobbits had all run into. The man laughed a huge booming laugh, which amused them greatly. "You got to chill out Mon. Relax a little. Can't go running about all day. The craziness didn't wear off for Frodo, and as soon as he remembered that the ring was around his neck, he brought it out. "NOOOOOO!!!" screamed Sam. "You can't put it on. You'll disappear! Give it to me. Frodo!" "Cool!" exclaimed Frodo and went to slide it onto his finger. Sam snatched it off him with a quick action that later he would associate with Gollum. Sam took the ring and put it safely into his pocket. He looked up. Frodo was pouting childishly and seemed ready for an outburst. Sam ignored him, and began to look at the ring in greedy admiration... London is a scary place when you are small and a hobbit. 'The big folk' are very scary in their hundreds as they stare and pass you on the street. Some high and violent teenagers came up to them and started to fight Sam in an alley. The others left to his defence Merry and Pippin squared up to their opponents, ready to fight. Frodo saw there was nowhere to run, (ignoring the millions of shops around them because he was looking for little holes in the ground). Frodo saw a round door and shouted for the others to follow them. It was a rubbish chute they got themselves into "Damn this place!" said Merry later. "Whoa mon! What are you doing here?" a voice rung. It was the Jamaican man again; he looked at the group with dark eyes. "I'm gonna have to take you guys outta this place where you can't get hurt," he said and led them all out of the rubbish chute. The hobbits didn't disagree but wondered why he was there but followed him to his little flat just outside the city centre. Inside the flat, a petite, beautiful blonde woman sat watching the TV. She looked up as the man entered with the hobbits. Her voice didn't match her body. It was rough and screeched and all the hobbits were surprised and Sam was convinced until then she was a relation of the elven community. "You're stoned again John! How many times do I have to tell you? Get out of my sight!" John slunk into an adjoining room and didn't come out again until it was time to say goodbye. The hobbits looked at their feet. "Hello, my name is Gabrielle," she said in a gentler elven like voice. "You don't look like you come from round here. I apologise for him, he's always picking people off the streets when he gets stoned. You must stay for a bit." No one argued with that. The hobbits and Gabrielle had a lovely time while they were explaining about what hobbits were and their quest. They taught her some hobbit songs while she told some human stories, some not always wholesome in their content, though Sam was keen to overlook this. They stayed for a meal and Gabrielle asked Frodo to help her prepare the food (a microwave meal) She told him she had 'the gift' and had a 'bad feeling' about this quest of his. Gabrielle then proceeded to take Frodo into the bathroom and run a bath. They peered into the water and Gabrielle swished it about with her hands. Frodo didn't know if he was seeing the images in the bath due to wanting to see it or it actually being there. The bath showed the shire and Gabrielle looked on in amazement. But the shire quickly turned to destruction and then Frodo entering and it all being all-nice again. Frodo gasped. "Oh come on Hobbit, you know its going to happen," Gabrielle snapped. You know you are going to take that ring back and you are going to save the shire.  
  
Frodo didn't want to argue with Gabrielle as she then sent the refreshed hobbits on their way. She gave them a couple of packets of biscuits and some cans of fizzy drink to keep them going until Gandalf came for them as they had no human money and their packs had been left in Middle Earth. She also gave them some of John's designer sweatshirts as a punishment for his getting stoned. She told them to treasure them. John was quite a big 'mon' and the jumpers were like cloaks made out of very smooth material. They said a heartfelt goodbye and left. Sam was still mesmerised by her and decided that Gabrielle's word, was law.  
  
John left the flat and slammed the door and followed the hobbits as they wandered the estate. Not long after they left, kids on the estate started to pick on the hobbits and nick the ring around Frodo's neck. In the middle of the brawl Gandalf reappeared. He picked out the hobbits, and performed the necessary spell to take them home. Back in Middle Earth, reunited with the rest of the fellowship, they heard as raspy laugh. "Whoa mon, this place is tripping me out!" Guess whom Gandalf had brought with him?  
  
W.C 1,304 


	2. John in Middle Earth

The Hobbits in London- Chapter 2 - Back in Middle Earth.  
  
Authors note. Hiya, sorry it took so long to write the second chapter. School and exams and making sure it don't send me to the funny farm. Depending on the response and suggestions I get, I may write more chapters so click the little review button to tell me what you think.  
  
The last chapter had the hobbits being sent to modern day London by Gandalf to escape an army of Orcs. There, they meet a nice Jamaican Mon called John.  
  
This story (and in the other one) is more of an alternative universe, the fellowship has not split up and they have taken a different route to Mount Doom and it's very OOC. This chapter will be longer than the first one, this is because I had to scrimp on detail because this was my English a level coursework and I had a word count ( well enjoy and leave a review. Juxtaposed.  
  
***  
  
"Who the hell are you?" slurred Gandalf in his indigence at this stow away managing to join them.  
  
"Me name is John," giggled the heavy man. He had never seen a beard like that before. He could never grow one like that. he could if he wanted to but Gabrielle would never allow it, stubble rash on her unblemished skin was not an option. Gandalf stared in anger at him.  
  
Frodo and the other Hobbits on the other hand were having different conversations.  
  
"Where is the ring?" he shrieked in panic.  
  
"Where are we?" sobbed Merry.  
  
"Why is he still here?" cried Pippin.  
  
Nobody noticed in the commotion of screaming halflings and the headed rowing between the wizard and Jamaican man when Aragorn and Legolas with Gimli, approached and jumped off their horses and watched the scene in horror. Aragorn took a deep breath and bellowed at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Shurrup!!!"  
  
The mountains echoed the command in woken up surprise and the quarrellers promptly did so. John kept his gaze on Aragorn warily. Loud people were not to be trusted.  
  
The authoritative voice then croaked guiltily.  
  
"Speak one at a time- you. Stranger, go first,"  
  
It took a while for John to realise that the man who shouted very loud meant him.  
  
"I'm John." he quipped. Aragorn exhaled impatiently. Gandalf stepped in and explained how this man had managed to backhandedly come with them back to Middle Earth.  
  
***  
  
"Thing is," Gandalf ended impressively. "We can't take him back because we may take him somewhere else where he doesn't belong, and he can't go alone in case he gets into trouble, then trapped. We're stuck with him,"  
  
"Where is my ring?" screeched Frodo.  
  
"What are you on about?" said Aragorn, turning to the little Hobbit impatiently.  
  
"The ring, it's gone!"  
  
"How?" Aragorn barked.  
  
"These big folk came to us when we left John's house and went to fight. They saw the chain around my neck and pulled,"  
  
"We're screwed. Frodo you have put this part of the earth in grave danger, what if Sauron decides to follow to that place. Those innocent people are as good as dead!"  
  
"I know I know." Cried Frodo, whose shoulders were heaving in despair.  
  
John watched them with some interest. He stumbled over to the hobbit.  
  
"Hey, you. That ring you think is missing," he ventured.  
  
"What about it?" sobbed Frodo despairingly, hinting that John was suspicious and didn't want his presence in this time of crisis.  
  
"D'ya mean this one?" John carried on uncertainly, taking the ring out of his pocket and holding it out openly on his hand. The ring sat there happily, unaware of the trouble it had caused, smug that Frodo had been distressed, the ring liked John, he was cool.  
  
Frodo snatched it out of his hand and hooked it onto the chain again. It rested against Frodo's heart and he pressed it to him.  
  
"How the hell did you have that?" he accused.  
  
"When those brats started on ya, right? I went and battered 'im right? 'Cos ya don't do that when someone is new round 'ere. I took the ring and I meant to give it back and I have,"  
  
"Thank you John," Frodo breathed reverently. "What the hell do you think you were doing?" he suddenly shouted. "I have put my neck on the line for this ring and it is MY job to protect it. You should have given it back straightaway to me!"  
  
John looked guiltily at Frodo. How would he know how precious this bit of bling was? This place was not fun. He tried to lighten the mood.  
  
"Is it 'cos I is black?" he said putting on the Staines massive accent, then grinning like a maniac at the group expecting them to laugh. Legolas tittered. John's face fell. 'Idiots' he thought bitterly.  
  
"Come," said Gandalf wearily. "Lets get on and move. This ring isn't going to destroy itself." The others picked up their packs and followed him. John tried to pursue but his narcotics were slowing him down and he stumbled for the few 3 miles in which Legolas would help him walk by linking arms or the elf putting his arm around the man's waist, even when he could walk unaided.  
  
But John kept quiet. He was obviously more stoned than he thought he was. Legolas seemed like a nice girl though.  
  
***  
  
The group had been walking for a few hours non-stop when Gandalf suddenly stopped. He raised his hands to command silence and listened intently for about five minutes.  
  
"My hearing isn't as good as it once was, but I can hear orcs in the distance. They are looking for us. We must hide."  
  
The others looked shocked and scared, as they were only a little group against these beasts. John looked confused. Orcs? Were they some kind of gang? What were these strangely dressed people on about? He wanted to go home. This game wasn't fun any more, it never was.  
  
"We must hide," declared Aragorn. "I know of several crevices and caves in that we could hide until they pass. Follow me,"  
  
So they all did and put their trust in him to take them to safety while the Orcs marched below them a few short kilometres away. The Hobbits were scared to breathe. John breathed in and tried to ask Gimli what was going on. The dwarf jumped up to put his hand over John's mouth to silence him and gave him a harsh look. John shut up and didn't speak until the next morning.  
  
It was a long journey to Aragorn's safe hiding caves. Turns out he didn't know the way as well as he thought and while they had returned to the same spot for the third time, it started to rain. The fellowship and John the Mon cursed him as he tried to remember which direction to go into. But finally after they were soaked through to the skin and shivering, they saw the rocks in the distance and headed towards them like people in the desert run towards water.  
  
In the dry, they sighed with relief and changed into something dry. The Hobbits took out John's designer sweatshirts and put them on top of some simple cotton outfits that looked to John strangely like pyjamas.  
  
"Hey little Mon," John directed at Sam who looked interested in what John had to say. "You got my sweatshirts,"  
  
"Gabrielle gave them to us," Sam replied, kind of worried what John may say.  
  
"Could I have one of them please? I'm freezing mon!"  
  
Pippin, who had changed into a thick winter cloak, dug into his pack and took out a white sweatshirt and chucked it over to John who put it on and tucked his legs into it as well. Like you do in P.E when you're a kid and the gym is cold and you have to sit down while your teacher rants on. John rocked on his bum and sang softly to himself. Legolas watched impressed at his mellow tenor vocals. Merry looked at Legolas and smiled, the elf had fallen in love again.  
  
***  
  
It was long into the night. They had all stayed awake in fear of the Orcs coming near them. Even with Gandalf's powers, they were not safe. But fatigue had set in and the camp was dozy. They had eaten a rather large meal for them to celebrate being reunited and eaten a lot of Gabrielle's offerings of sweet, sugary snacks and cans of fizzy drink. Nobody could move far and were sitting bloated, but content. One by one each member fell into a deep and satisfied slumber apart from Gandalf and Legolas.  
  
Gandalf was looking out of the cave. He was puffing on a pipe. Thin, wispy smoke was creeping out of the pipe and wrapping seductively around his face. But he wasn't having any of that and carelessly blew it away. He looked morosely out onto the mountains ahead and contemplated the rest of the journey to Mordor.  
  
Legolas was contemplating the view too- of John's sleeping body. He watched the Jamaican sleep for a while and smiled as John snorted. He didn't know how long he had been sitting there, but jumped when he felt Gandalf's hand rest onto his shoulder.  
  
"You should think about getting some sleep Legolas, it will be light soon. We must make haste tomorrow and we will be handicapped if you are tired. We already are enough with this one," said Gandalf gesturing at John.  
  
Legolas nodded in the affirmative and lay down. Gandalf told him not to be so fast. The elf sat up.  
  
"Do you know what you are getting yourself into," asked the wizard.  
  
"What do you mean Gandalf?"  
  
"I've seen the way you have been looking at that man. I see the way you have been paying him special attention. My dear elf, this creature is a dope."  
  
"He is new to this world and needs a helping hand. He needs someone who will give a bit of kindness and not exclude him or shout at him. If we are going to be stuck with him, we need to make the best of it," reasoned Legolas with a pink tinge to his cheeks.  
  
"Elf you know that is not the reason why he has been with you all of today. You have crush on him and you must stop it! It is not becoming of an elf and I am sure he is not that way inclined."  
  
"I am merely looking after a newcomer and I would appreciate it if you would not speculate on my sexuality."  
  
"You touch him at every given opportunity and until I started talking to you, you have been watching him while he rests like a love struck teen."  
  
"So what if I have?"  
  
"It is no skin off my nose, but skin off yours. Your reputation will be in tatters, the fellowship may shun you and if word gets back to Rivendell, you will find it impossible to find a nice girl to settle down with and procreate,"  
  
Legolas kept quiet. There was no point in arguing with Gandalf. He was bigger than he was.  
  
"And by the way Legolas. I think you should tell our guest that you are not a girl,"  
  
"He thinks I am? How do you know Gandalf?"  
  
"He keeps on trying to look at your chest,"  
  
"Oh,"  
  
"Just sort it out. Get things straight. Squash whatever silly feelings you have,"  
  
"Yes Gandalf,"  
  
Legolas went to sleep feeling scandalised. The old wizard was trying to do his best by him, but he didn't understand. 'Well stuff him', the elf thought indignantly.  
  
It was black in the cave. No light. Gandalf had laid his weary body on the floor for a doze. He didn't normally sleep like the rest. But he needed some time out. This journey was getting more surreal and it made his brain hurt.  
  
There was no one else awake. John woke up and sat up on his make shift bed of his thick coat. Luckily it had been winter in London so he never went out without his water resistant puffa jacket. It had made a nice cosy base. He was wearing his now dried trousers and shirt with the sweatshirt pippin had returned on top of him as a blanket. Pippin had said he could keep it. He was thankful for that.  
***  
  
He was hungry now, really hungry. It hurt his stomach. John knew it was an attack of the munchies. He couldn't take these people's food. It would be all they had until they find someone who they meet who lived around this area and could ply them with more supplies. There had been no houses around for miles. He could see that. This barren land would hold no human to live there and settle down. But he was so hungry. His stomach complained loudly and Aragorn stirred at the sound. There was no alternative. He would have to find some food at least to last him until breakfast.  
  
He got up and wrapped his sweatshirt blanket around his broad shoulders. He crept around everyone, looking for their packs that may contain food. The man, Aragon was sleeping on his, as was Gimli and Legolas. He turned desperately to the Hobbits. Merry was hugging his like a teddy bear, as was Pippin. He couldn't bear to take it off them and potentially wake them up. Sam had his as a pillow and was snoring quietly. Frodo on the other hand, had his pack behind him, a foot away from where he was sleeping. John stealthily picked up the huge bag, and nearly groaned at its weight. He jumped at every sound he made and panicked as the knocking on his stomach got worse and demanded food. He promised he would never smoke dope ever again. This definitely was not his idea of a good time. How was stealing food a high?  
  
Finally he got through to Frodo's supply and gratefully ate, cramming every morsel into his desperate mouth. But one elven cake is not enough. John went for another and another until Frodo's supply was nearly exhausted. John tried to remove as much evidence as possible and then went back to sleep.   
  
***  
  
"You thief!" screamed Frodo in the morning as he lunged for John and started to hit him with small (but hard) punches.  
  
John sleepily awoke. He felt his face and body being angrily pummelled. He saw the little Hobbit with his face twisting with wrath worse than a woman scorned. Hell had not contemplated this sort of fury that the little Hobbit hath.  
  
The rest of the fellowship tried to pull the punching Frodo off the cuckoo in the nest and finally did. Pinning him down was another matter though and it took all of them to hold him down while John looked on with remorse. The other members would most certainly be bruised. Gandalf calmly went to Frodo's pack and took out any knives and sharp objects that he could hurt John with on the sly. He then went to relieve the kicking and screaming Hobbit of Sting- this made him wail louder.  
  
"What in heck's name made you think you could help yourself to food?" demanded Gandalf.  
  
"How do you know it was me?" answered John.  
  
"Because you are the only person in this group not to know about the rules that we only eat at mealtimes. Why did you do it? Couldn't you wait for breakfast?"  
  
"I couldn't! I was so hungry. I really get the munchies after doing weed. I was high all yesterday when I came from London, but I'm not high any more and I'm really really sorry," John shouted.  
  
"Well you are not having breakfast or lunch or dinner. That was a whole day's food for one person- generous portions," sentenced Aragorn.  
  
"In the mean time we are going to have to survive on fresh air. You ate most of our rations!" yelled Frodo.  
  
You know how hobbits like their food. They eat a lot and have many breaks during the day for a meal. John in the whole scale of their rations had not eaten much. But he had broached a lot onto Frodo's personal food store. This had incensed him. Frodo then declared he was never going to forgive John and called him a cuckoo in the nest. I had done this earlier but I had not said it to his face.  
  
Frodo sullenly agreed to leave John alone if they let go of him. The original fellowship ate a smaller than usual breakfast and sat with their backs to John, who slunk to the back of the cave and relieved himself. He didn't know how this horrible group of weirdos went to the toilet, because they never seemed to stop for breaks to go. Maybe they weren't human? John definitely thought so. Legolas did pass John a few bits of his breakfast. He didn't really relish the idea of taking titbits off this woman. She looked like she needed feeding. But he took the food anyway because he knew they would be travelling a lot to day and for many days to come and he would need all the fuel he could get.  
  
This is the first part of a very long chapter. Next part soon. Read and review please. Love and stuff. 


	3. John in middle earth part two

This is the second and last part of John the mon's adventure in Middle Earth. Other adventures will be added if reviews and suggestions are given. Enjoy.  
*** The days did drag on as the group struggled through the mountains. Mordor seemed to get farther and farther away. The ring mockingly bounced on Frodo's chest as he walked. John wasn't used to such starvation. He had not eaten for two whole days in the fellowship's eyes apart from Legolas who would sneak him a few bits of his food. John still thought that Legolas was a she and was starting to get drawn to him and his friendly nature as he would chat constantly on the journey, sing songs and generally be nice in a pack of heartless gits. Gandalf was in absolute exasperation at this. He knew it wasn't his place to tell, but would often look Legolas firmly in the eye when he would laugh at John and flirtatiously touch his arm. 'This was not supposed to be how the story goes' he would angrily think. 'It's a kids story and already we have more than obvious references to drugs and a slash pairing is wanting to emerge' Five days after the munchies incident, the air in the group got a little bit easier. Gandalf must have counselled Frodo or something, because one night when they stopped to sleep. Frodo woke up and found John was staring miserably at the fire, tears were welling up. Frodo didn't know if this was due to smoke or homesickness, but sat next to him and touched his hand gently. "I'm sorry I over reacted," ventured Frodo bravely. For all he knew this man may be bitter at him for his exclusion. "Its ok. I deserved it," "No but it was wrong of me to treat you like this for so long, yes you ate a lot of our food, but to be nasty for this amount of time... It's not fair on you and it's not fair on the fellowship," "I didn't ask to be here you know. I got that ring off those kids and I went over to give it to you back, and I got caught up as you went here," "We realised that. I don't think you would leave your cushy life for this." "What exactly are you lot doing here?" asked John, for the first time realising he actually cared why these people were putting themselves through this. Didn't these people have families? Didn't they have nice houses to live in before they were talking about Mordor and becoming quivering wrecks at a ring? "It's a long story John. I am very tired. Can we talk in the morning?" "But in the morning we'll be travelling and that woman won't stop talking. Don't get me wrong, she's nice, but MON does she go on," Frodo burst out laughing. John looked amused. He couldn't see why he was laughing. "Why you laughin' Mon?" "You mean Legolas right?" "Yeh," "That is no way a woman. She is a he!" Frodo was now silently laughing; a hissing sound was escaping his mouth as not to wake the others up. John look horrified, but then saw the funny side. He laughed a great booming laugh that threatened to wake up even the comatose patient recovering from battle on the other side of middle earth. The other members of the fellowship slept on. That night, Frodo told John of his life before the ring came into his life, and about Bilbo and how he came to acquire this piece of what John called 'bling' He told of why the ring had to be disposed and where and how far they had to go and in the manner they would actually have to dispose it. He stressed the perils involved and what he was scared of, especially coming back to the shire to find it destroyed. While John just sat there and listened sympathetically, he nodded and tried to speak several times, but Frodo was on a roll. When Frodo stopped for a break, John didn't get the chance to put in his thoughts because Gandalf joined the pair. He said he couldn't sleep and heard that maybe Frodo was in need of counsel. "I don't know what to do Gandalf. It is still so far to go and I cannot take this burden for much longer. I need a break from it. I need it so bad I could scream and rip the ring from its chain and smash into tiny pieces onto the floor!"  
  
"Frodo you must! Nobody in this group is wise enough and strong enough to take this ring. They all admit they would be taken over by its power and use it for evil's purpose. You must carry on for the mean time until we work out something to do,"   
***  
  
Days were passing but little ground was being covered. Frodo was trudging slowly and becoming weaker. His face began to take on a greyish tinge and they needed to rest more often than not. John had a little talk with Legolas and let on that he now knew that the elf was male. Legolas hung his head. John laughed and said it was his mistake to make and thanked the elf for being such a good friend when the rest of the group were sending him to Coventry. Legolas accepted and turned away screwing up his face as if he was bawling like a baby because John was still oblivious to his love and could never return it. But in a few minutes, he was fine again and turning his attentions to what seemed like a very nice tree. One by one, another member of the fellowship would join Frodo, Gandalf and John by a fire each night if it were safe to make one and discuss Frodo's ailing condition. He was now finding it difficult to move and the Aragorn, Gandalf and John would take it in turns to give the knackered hobbit a piggy back during the journey that now was walking near craggy rock faces and were steep to climb.   
*** Even more days were passing and Frodo was now having trouble breathing from the weight of the ring pressing down on his lungs. They all realised that this was a desperate situation and that Frodo, unless they thought of something in the next few days, would be dying. John was carrying Frodo the day after they realised how dire the situation was. His back was aching from carrying the little Hobbit for three hours straight without a rest. He gently put down Frodo who was having a coughing fit and shaking violently in case he dropped him and sat down, flexing his spine. It was getting hot today and something that had a resemblance to the sun was beating down on his head. For the first time in 2 weeks he took his puffa jacket off. He played with the lining inside of it and pulled out a few items that appeared useless in this new world. John pulled out his house keys; a few raggy handkerchiefs, a biro and a few rings of what looked like gold, one of them looked like his nipple ring, he was glad he found that- the hole was starting to close up. He also pulled out his mobile phone and looked at that forlornly. There would be no way he could use this ever again if he was stuck here. The battery was probably dead. But he turned it on anyway, and his welcome message came up. The battery had been fully charged then turned off. That must have been Gabrielle he thought. So if he was in a state, he could ring her in an emergency. He played a game on his mobile for a minute to check the signal was working and then turned it off. He had a feeling it may come in handy. That night, Frodo got to his worst. Gandalf didn't know what else to do apart from relieve him of the ring that was slowly killing him. Frodo was still dangerously ill but he didn't get any worse. The fellowship lit a fire to keep the Hobbit warm and John's puffa jacket was used as well. 'Every little helps' Sam declared with a forced smile. They made gruel that night. Nobody could be bothered to cook a dinner and didn't feel like much. Even though the ring was away from Frodo's body, it felt like his last night with them. The fellowship drank the foul tasting gruel in silence and looked at the dying Hobbit from time to time. John felt utterly useless, as he watched Frodo's consciousness ebb away in bouts. Frodo was trying to be brave. He chatted from time to time and would sleep lightly while the others thought him unconscious. He knew he wasn't really dying. He was very, very weak though, months of holding that ring non-stop was wearing him down. A few weeks and he would be fine to take it back again. Why wouldn't the fellowship believe him though? Why did they think the ring would be making him push up daisies by this time next week? They didn't trust him- that was it. He was just a weak little hobbit who was three quarters dead. It was just what they needed. Aragorn looked over the ledge of the hill they had been resting on. He saw an army of Orcs marching towards them. It was too far away for a charge, and they had time to stamp out the fire and bundle up Frodo before making a run towards another rocky area that wasn't sheltered but hid them from view. Nobody dared to breathe. They knew that the Orcs had seen them and were following. Gandalf couldn't perform the spell that took them to London. Frodo was too much of a burden to take, possibly to a more dangerous land. They sat and waited for the Orcs to avoid them, or wait for the confrontation. It was tense. They could only sit and wait. John began to wring his hands. In want of something to do, he pulled his phone out to play a few games and wait to die. Seconds passed and a beep beep sound emitted from his phone. It was a text from Gabrielle. John was amazed that there was still a signal in this Middle Earth. He turned round to the direction of the Orcs to get a better signal to text her back when this shriek, amplified by the surrounding mountains reverberated into their ears unexpectedly. John ran out of their hiding place to explore why the screaming was so loud and painful. He was still holding the mobile, the message was still sending. The Orcs backed away. They looked in a lot of pain as far as John could see. The Orcs were kneeling on the ground curled up in the foetal position and screaming like they were having bits pulled off savagely. John realised it must be the phone that was sending these ugly creatures off on one and kept it pointed at them. The rest of the fellowship looked on in amazement at the halted army. "I don't believe this! How are you controlling them like that?" enthused Gandalf. "It's the signal," explained John. "I am amazed." Aragorn said. "We must keep you close to us," piped up Gimli.  
*** Later, after they had left the Orcs screaming like little girls, frozen in fear and pain, and went to carry on their journey. Finding a place to rest that was sheltered for Frodo was difficult. They were out in the open and there were no woods or caves for miles. Gandalf said they would have to risk it and camp out in the open. They set for the night at the foot of an incline where they were only at partial view. Fires were definitely going to be out tonight. "You showed initiative and courage in defeating that army of Orcs," complimented Gandalf. "It was just an accident," John replied modestly. "We don't care. That was a good job you did and we are intrigued about this instrument you have," said Aragorn. Frodo raised his head feebly from the bed of cloaks. He could feel some strength returning to do so. Vision was now clearer and Frodo could feel some interest in the ring being reborn. Maybe it was better that John looked after the ring for the meantime. He felt shy suggesting this in case everyone pooh poohed it, saying that this strangely accented man had no idea of what he would be walking into, that the ring would over take him and he would steal it that would be disastrous. It was worth a shot though. "Gandalf," Frodo croaked. "He speaks!" cheered Sam and the other hobbits. "You're still alive- thank goodness!" sighed Gandalf with relief. "I am nearly finished off though Gandalf if you entrust me with that ring right now. Give it to John until I am well enough to continue," "But Frodo that is impossible!" exclaimed Gandalf worriedly. "He has no perception of what this ring means. How can we trust it to him," "If he doesn't know of all the ring's power, then he can't be tempted," reasoned Legolas. "True," Said Aragorn. "Also with all that weed he has smoked, the ring's power doesn't stand a chance in trying to corrupt him," announced Gandalf "Well that's settled then," Argued Frodo. "I want John to look after it because he can ward off armies of Orcs and doesn't give a toss for its power," "Too right Mon. You said that ring can't bring me ice-cold beer or free porn, or dope. Why would I want it?" It was settled. Gandalf handed John the ring on its chain dangling happily, as if it was thinking cheerfully: 'aren't we going to have fun?'  
*** John kept the ring in his shirt pocket. He didn't like to wear it on his neck. The chain was too delicate and he wouldn't be seen dead with such a petite and weak piece of bling. He changed his shirt that night for bed and remembered his nipple ring needed putting in or the hole was going to close up. He took it out of his pocket and slipped it in. He winced as it pushed open the hole. He snuggled down and went to sleep with his shirt off, as it was a hot night. He didn't care. His body was wide and stocky, more due to bone structure than fat. The fellowship could stare at his half naked body for all he cared. He turned over and thought of how he could keep the ring closer to him. He tossed and turned for a little longer. His nipple ring caught on his newly acquired blanket from Gandalf, the old wizard barely slept anymore due to the humidity and contemplating their next moves. Every tugging on the cheap ring was a little hint to him, but it took a while to think of it. He pulled the ring out of his shirt pocket nearby. He took the chain off it and returned the dainty accessory to his shirt. He held the ring and thought about its weight. It seemed feather light. (But little did he know). He confidently attached the ring to rule them all to his cheap gold nipple ring. The weight was negligible. John turned over and went to sleep.  
*** After that day, many passed without incident. The weather got colder again as they were ascending on their last mountain before entering Mordor. John's mobile phone signal proved invaluable to the rest of the fellowship. It was deadly for some beasts and a major irritant for others. Gimli had to admit it made his head go funny. (More than usual) but he was willing to forfeit for the sake of destroying this ring that John had proudly announced was attached to his nipple. Frodo soon got stronger and within three weeks, he was able to walk unaided and carry a light pack of his stuff and walk for 6 hours a day before getting tired and needing rest. Another month passed, he was feeling strong enough to ask to take the ring for a trial run. Gandalf refused and said to give it an extra two weeks. Two weeks passed and they had obviously made better time than they expected. They were a couple of hundred miles from Mordor. Frodo would have to go it alone with a hand picked chosen few, and then destroy the ring. He chose Sam, Aragorn and Legolas and Gimli. Gandalf refused to go. He could sense Sauron was near the vicinity and would not go near it. (Though not out of fear he insisted). Gandalf had firmly argued that John should not accompany them to dispose of the ring. He was not trained in combat and would never survive if they were attacked. John lifted his shirt to release the ring from his chest. IT WASN'T THERE! There was a lot of screaming and arguing that John could not be trusted and had stolen the ring for gain. But John was confused. He had no nipple.   
*** "What the hell is going on John?" demanded Frodo. "I have trusted you with this thing, taken you into this elite group when we could have left you for dead. And this is how you repay us? By destroying our quest and putting the safety of middle earth into a certain death!" "Mon! I ain't stole that bloody ring! It's gone and I don't know where. But I have no nipple either. If anyone's stolen anything. It's the ring. It stole my nipple!" "What you talking about you silly man!" shouted Gandalf in annoyance in this man's stupid exclamation. "This gold ring is not alive, it is not capable of slicing off your nipple without you screaming in pain, and then putting it in it's pocket, running off into the night," "Have you been at my, um, tobacco?" asked John, confused at Gandalf's off the wall speech. "No," said Gandalf uncertainly, looking at the floor to avoid his gaze. "When's lunch, I'm starving," "We just had it," said Aragorn. "You've been at my weed!" screamed John. "No I haven't," John checked his puffa jacket and the pockets for a little clear bag. He looked for a while as if to give Gandalf the benefit of the doubt. It clearly wasn't there. He turned to Gandalf in anger. "That was my last ounce of gange!" "Oh well I'm sorry John, I thought it was normal tobacco. I ran out last night. I've never seen you smoke, so I didn't think you would mind," pouted Gandalf. He wasn't really sorry but this man would never be satisfied until he apologised. "Where is the ring?" worried Frodo out aloud. "I honestly don't know. It would be around your neck and we would be seeing you off right now if I did know where it was," Frodo decided to believe him and let it lie. He didn't want to undo all his good rest and the stress was starting to get to him. He was confused though. Where was that blimming ring?  
*** There was a clear source of water nearby and the fellowship made their way over to it and took off most of their clothes and jumped in. They did stink, so they thought it had been justified. They had had many months of summer weather that was baking and baths were very rare. John raced Gandalf for who could get undressed and fast enough into the water. They splashed about with the others and collected their water for the rest of their journey. A few hours later when they were all wrinkled by the water and starting to shiver, they made their way back to the bank. John was drying himself off when Legolas gasped. "What?" asked John peevishly. "I found the ring. And your nipple," stammered the elf. "Where?" squeaked Frodo excitedly pushing Sam and Pippin out of the way. "Look down by your foot," John looked at his foot in horror. The ring was down there all right. But John's nipple was still attached to it. The fellowship looked on in disgust as John's man breast had sunk to the floor and was dragging sadly along. The ring glistened like it was having the best time. "That," said John. "Is disgusting," and swiftly removed the ring. The weight of it had stretched him. He knew now why Frodo had worn a chain.   
*** The skin tissue didn't shrink back. It didn't for a while. If he ever got back to Britain again, he would get the surgeons to sort it out. John was now very miserable. Not only was he homesick and missing all the creature comforts of the flat he shared with Gabrielle, parts of his anatomy was displaced. This journey was also at an end for him, he and the others who were left: Gandalf, Merry and Pippin. It was going to be a tough wait while Frodo and Sam made their way to Mount Doom, they would stay on the border of Gondor and Mordor and wait for the days that Frodo and his accomplices would destroy the ring. Frodo said an emotional goodbye to John, who had just given him his mobile phone and showed him how to switch it on so he could at least have a go at disabling any opposition. He had quite possibly saved the little hobbit's life while looking after the ring and not getting drawn into its power. John felt himself he was going to miss the little sod. They hugged and said a throat full of tears 'I'll miss you'. Legolas got quite impatient with them at this point, as they would not be separated for long. Gandalf, John and the other Hobbits waved the party off and sat down on the ground feeling useless. It was going to be a long and boring wait.   
*** Days dragged on. They wanted to believe that they would be back later that day. But it was a long and uphill climb for the Hobbits with their furry feet and short legs. They had to convince themselves sometimes that they were still alive and weren't lying dead somewhere. The two Hobbits had strong fighters with them. But they were still concerned. Gandalf didn't dare give the instruction for the 'cast offs' to abandon camp in case the party came back the day after. Merry hated irony like that and often spoke of it in the long nights of when they were waiting. And they waited for Frodo's quest to all be over.  
*** 


End file.
